Death Note with a Hint of Insanity
by Echos in my head
Summary: A bunch of one-shots/drabbles. Some of them crack, most of them weird, all of them random. Updated randomly.
1. Paintball

_I don't own Death Note or paintball._

Paintball

The Kira Task Force was in the main headquarters, but only L was working. The other members were sitting around, playing cards or staring at L's computer screen. The only person who wasn't there was Matsuda.

Light looked over at the clock. It was 1:28. _That's strange,_ he thought. _Where would Matsuda go for three hours?_

Suddenly, the front door slammed open as Matsuda kicked it open. He was holding a large gun.

Mogi's eyes widened. "Matsuda," he said nervously, "What are you-"

"PAINTBALL!" Matsuda cried excitedly. He went on to shoot at everyone in the room with his paintball gun while laughing happily.

After he had ran out of paintballs, the other members of the task force were covered in paint, bruised because they didn't have anything to protect them from the paint being shot at them at several miles per hour, and, understandably, very pissed.

Only L remained calm. He got down from his chair and walked slowly over to Matsuda, who was grinning like an idiot.

"Matsuda?"

"Yes?"

"I dislike you."

"I know."

_Echo Note (Author's note by Echo): Yeah, this probably sucked. Anyway, this is just going to be a bunch of one-shots or drabbles, mostly because I need to get all this random shit out of my brain. _

_P.S., anyone get the 1-28 reference?_


	2. Road House

_I don't own Death Note, the road house kick, the movie Road House, Superman, Batman or Family Guy._

Road House

Near was sitting in his room at the Kira Task Force Headquarters, playing with a Superman action figure. He was making it swoop over the mini representation of Metropolis, defeating his enemies and parading around as the Man of Steel. Then L walked in the room with a strange look on his face.

"Oh hi L!" Near greeted him. "Wanna play? Here, you could be Batman, I know how much you like Batman-"

Suddenly, L jumped up, spun around in the air and kicked Near in the face, causing the albino kid to lie down on the floor with a shocked expression.

L looked up at nothing in particular, said "Road House" and left the room without another word.

Light ran into the room. "Is everything alright? I heard a crash-" Light stopped talking as he saw Near huddled on the floor.

Near pushed himself up into a crouching position and looked angrily at Light. "Next time you want to show L that episode of Family Guy," he snarled, "_Don't!_"


	3. Poison Apples

_I don't own Death Note__ or Snow White and the Seven Dwarves__._

Poison Apples

Light sighed. Sayu, after much pleading, begging and a little bit of blackmail, had managed to convince him to watch _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_ with her. He didn't even know why she would want to watch that movie anyway, but when he asked, her reply was a curt "it's a classic."

As the movie was starting, Ryuk walked in the room holding a bowl of popcorn. Light's eyes widened in fear. He glanced over at Sayu, who was too engrossed in the movie to notice what would seem to her as a floating bowl of popcorn.

"Hey Light," Ryuk said with his mouth full. "What're we watching?"

Light grabbed the bowl from Ryuk and whispered as quietly as he could, "Snow White."

Sayu heard Light whisper, but didn't make out any of the words. "What did you say?" she asked. Then she saw the popcorn. "Ooh, popcorn!" she squealed. She took the popcorn from her older brother and began munching enthusiastically.

"My popcorn!" cried Ryuk. "The only thing in the human world that I eat that isn't apples!"

"Shut up, Ryuk!" Light hissed. He didn't want to watch the movie in the first place, and it would be even worse with the shinigami bitching in his ear for the next couple of hours. Ryuk fell silent, occasionally muttering things sounding like "Stupid bitch stole my popcorn..."

When the movie came to the point where Snow White bit into the poison apple, Ryuk screamed. "She died? AN APPLE MADE HER DIE? NOOOOOOO!" And he ran out of the room.

Light sighed again. He got up. "One second Sayu...bathroom."

The girl nodded, her main focus the television screen.

Ryuk was attempting to hide under Light's bed when he found him. "Ryuk," Light groaned, "What's your problem?"

Ryuk poked his head out from his hiding place. "All the while I was eating apples...they were so delicious...but...they can be poisoned! I could have died, just by eating one!"

Immediately after saying that, Ryuk went into some sort of shinigami meltdown. It was like him with his withdrawal symptoms, while at the same time trying to sing opera and eat his foot. It was a truly unpleasant sight.

Light facepalmed. "Ryuk, you told me yourself, shinigami can't die from things like poison or weapons! And unless you save a human, you won't die at all! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" Light slapped Ryuk across the face.

Ryuk blinked. "Oh yeah...I forgot," he said. Then he skipped out the door leaving a very angsty Light behind him.

"Light? Are you done in the bathroom yet? The movie's almost over and we're out of popcorn!" Sayu called from the living room. Light groaned.

_Echo Note: Yeah... That thing about Ryuk eating popcorn... I made that up. I don't know if Ryuk even likes popcorn._


	4. Rotten Strawberry

_I don't own Death Note or L's special strawberry._

Rotten Strawberry

Some time after the Kira case had finished, Mogi and Aizawa met up to do whatever it is that these people do in their spare time.

Aizawa had a bad cold and kept sneezing. "Do you have a tissue, Mogi?" he asked.

Mogi nodded as he reached inside his coat pocket. But what he ended up taking out was not a tissue.

Aizawa looked in wonder at the thing. "Mogi," he said, "Is that what I think it is?"

Mogi stared at it. "It looks like a strawberry..."

"_You see," L had said, "Three of the world's greatest detectives, L, Coil and Deneuve, they're all actually me. It's been my understanding that most people fall for this."_

_L had picked up a strawberry that had just a touch of whipped cream on it._

"_I'll give you this strawberry is you promise to keep it a secret," he had said. Mogi had taken that strawberry and put it in his pocket._

Aizawa looked amazed. "You mean you actually kept that this whole time? That happened years ago!"

Mogi put the strawberry back in his pocket and turned around. "Where are you going?" Aizawa called after him.

"I need a new coat."

Aizawa never did get his tissue.

_Echo Note: The flashback thing, that's probably not the real dialogue (I was doing this from memory), but I think it's close enough._


	5. Ugly

_I don't own Death Note or the UGLY cheer._

Ugly

Mello was sitting down on his couch, taking a bite out of his chocolate bar. At least he was, until Matt got in the room...

Matt barged into the main room in the mafia's lair in a red and black cheerleader's outfit, complete with top, skirt and shoes and had pompoms in his hands. Even his hair had black and red streaks in them. He was still wearing his goggles, though.

Mello stared at his friend. "Matt, why are you-"

Mello was cut off by Matt doing a dance and gymnastics routine. Matt started chanting: "U-G-L-Y! YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI! YOU UGLY! YEAH, YEAH, YOU UGLY!"

Mello rolled his eyes. "Come on, Matt, we both know that I'm, like, ten times prettier than you!"

Matt threw his pompoms to the ground. "WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO MEAN ABOUT IT!" he screamed before leaving the room. Mello continued eating his chocolate.

_Echo Note: What the hell was I thinking? O_O Yeah, I know, Matt was very OOC. Sorry about that._


	6. Visiting

_I don't own Death Note._

Visiting

Watari was walking back to the main room of the Kira Task Force headquarters while balancing a tray holding a piece of cake, a bowl of strawberries, a cup of coffee, many sugar cubes and some cream. L's "lunch". Still, the genius needed his sugar.

On his way, Watari could have sworn he heard a strange noise. He paused for a second, listening, but all he heard was silence. Shrugging it off, he continued to walk down the many hallways of the headquarters. Then he heard it again: a quiet scuffling sound, like somebody sneaking about...

Suddenly, there was a loud _BANG_, like a gunshot. Watari jumped, causing coffee to spill out of the cup and over the tray. "What the...?"

A blond stepped out from the shadows. He grinned. "Hey there, old man." He casually took out a chocolate bar and snapped some off with his teeth.

Watari looked up in shock. "Mello?"

Mello took out his gun and shot some more at Watari's feet. As Watari dodged the bullets, Mello started laughing. "Dance, old man, dance!" he yelled. Soon, however, he grew bored of his little game and left the poor man alone.

A little while later, Watari set the tray down in front of L. "Here," he muttered gruffly.

L looked closely at the tray. "Watari," he said, "Is there a reason why my coffee is all over my cake? Among other things?"

Watari took a few deep breaths. "Mello's..._visiting._"

L looked at the tray, up at Watari and then back at the tray. Then he said, "Well, I suppose you'd better get a second tray, then. If we have a guest we should try to make him feel welcome."

Watari's eye twitched, but he obediently turned and walked out of the room.

L bit his thumbnail thoughtfully. "Well, this should be interesting..."

_Echo Note: Not funny, I know. But yeah, I just felt like writing this._


	7. Abbreviations

_I don't own Death Note, Eminem or M&Ms. Or L's finger gun._

Abbreviations

Beyond Birthday smashed his way through a wall of the Kira Task Force headquarters. The people inside looked up in shock and surprise.

Misa stammered. "Who...who are you?"

BB made a menacing scowl as he said, "I am BB."

Misa looked confused. "BB?" she asked.

"It's short for Beyond Birthday," L said from the other side of the room.

"Hm..." Misa thought this over. "Then... does that make me M?"

Right then, Mello, Matt and Near crashed through the second wall.

"Hell no!" said Mello. He pointed at himself with his thumb. "I'm M, and when I'm not, he is!" he said, gesturing to Matt.

"And I'm N," piped up Near.

"We know," everyone responded.

"And I'm L," L said.

"We know that too," Ide replied.

Light, not wanting to be left out of this, said, "And I'm Kira."

L jumped out of his chair. "YOU CONFESSED!" He made a gun shape with his thumb and index finger and pointed it at Light. "Bang!" he said.

Light rolled his eyes. "That doesn't work on me," he said.

L nodded. "I know, but I wanted you to be distracted for long enough so Watari could send the video footage of your confession to Sakura TV."

Light paled. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" he screamed as he smashed through the third wall.

"Come on guys," Watari whined, "I don't want to pay to fix all these walls!"

Misa was still thinking. "So... if I'm not M...Well, since I'm Misa-Misa, I could be MM!"

"I don't know about that," Matt said. "That could get confusing. I mean, if Mello and I are M, then we would be M and M."

"I'm listening to Eminem!" Matsuda called out as he removed one of his earphones.

The fourth wall was broken by those giant talking M&Ms from those commercials. "And we're M&Ms," the red one said.

"SUGAR!" yelled L. He started running after the candies.

"CHOCOLATE!" cried Mello. He followed L in his chase for sweets.

BB shook his head in disgust. "I don't even remember why I came here," he said as he turned to leave. Since there were no more walls to smash through, he went out the front door.


	8. Mayonnaise

_I don't own Death Note._

Mayonnaise

Light looked over his grocery list. He was pretty sure he'd gotten everything, but just in case, he decided to ask L.

Over in the main room, L was working, as per usual.

"Ryuzaki, do we need anything else from the supermarket?" Light asked, handing him the list.

L looked it over.

_Cake_

_Strawberries_

_Apples_

_Sparkling Water_

_Pie_

_Bananas_

_Bread_

_Milk_

_Mayonnaise_

L dropped the list. "M-mayonnaise?" he whispered. Suddenly, he jumped up from his chair and looked furiously at Light. "_Mayonnaise?_"

Light was beginning to get scared. "Yeah, my dad likes-"

"I _HATE_ MAYONNAISE!" L yelled. He reached out, grabbed one of the spare computers and pulled back, causing the wires to snap. L then smashed the computer against the wall. Light had never seen L so angry.

"Okay! I'll...take it off the list," he said, picking up the list from the floor.

L calmed down. "Thank you," he said, resuming his crouched position on his chair as Light started to walk away.

"Oh, and Light?"

"Yeah?"

"Add ice cream to the list, will you? Pie is always better with ice cream."

As Light walked out the door, he said to himself, "Note to self: L hates mayonnaise."


	9. Unicorns Part I

_I don't own Death Note. Or unicorns._

Unicorns Part I

"Light-kun?"

"What is it, Ryuzaki?" Light looked up to find the detective looking at him curiously.

"Your father has given me some rather alarming news about you," L answered quietly.

Light kept a calm look on his face, while in reality he was panicking. _Oh no,_ he thought. _Did Dad see the Death Note? Or did he touch it and see Ryuk? I have to stay calm, I can't give him any more reason to suspect that I'm Kira..._

Light feigned a look of confusion. "What sort of news? I don't think I've done anything-"

L interrupted Light's questioning. "He told me...that you..."

_Don't say it!_ thought Light. _Don't say that I'm Kira!_

"-Don't believe that unicorns exist," finished L.

This was not what Light was expecting. "Well...no, of course not! Unicorns are mythological creatures used in children's fairytales. You don't really expect me to believe that they exist, do you?"

L turned towards him in his swivel chair. "But they _do_ exist, Light. Your father was very distressed when he heard you question their existence."

Light remembered that. It was a Sunday morning, the rain had stopped and there was a rainbow outside. His father had gone outside to "look for unicorn tracks", as he had said. Light, believing that his father was joking, did his insane Kira laugh. His father had questioned his maniacal laughter, and Light had explained that he was laughing at the "unicorn joke." His father had become so upset that he spent the next ten hours locked in Sayu's room, crying his eyes out. Naturally, Sayu was not amused by this and punched Light in the eye.

Light fingered the bruise that was still healing. "But they _don't_ exist, Ryuzaki! You don't believe that bullshit, do you?"

L jumped out of his chair and kicked Light in the face. Light flew a few feet across the room before smashing on the ground.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" Light screamed. He put his hand up to his face. "Dammit, not my other eye!" he whined.

"Everyone knows that unicorns exist, Light-kun," L answered. "I know it, your father knows it, Mogi, Aizawa, Ide... Even Matsuda, Misa and Ukita know it!"

"But Ukita died-"

"A dead man knows more than you," L finished, and went back to crouching in his chair and eating a doughnut.

Light was pissed off by this point. "Prove it then!" he challenged. "Prove that unicorns exist!"

L looked at Light for a moment. "Okay, I will find proof. And when I do you must admit that you were wrong."

Light hated to lose. But there was no freaking way that unicorns existed. "Deal," he said. "And if I'm right, you, Dad and the rest of the Task Force have to say you were wrong to me."

L shook his head. "I'm not wrong, Light-kun."

Not even two minutes later, L called Light over to his computer and showed him an article about the Indian Rhinoceros, or the "Greater One-horned Rhinoceros."

Light looked at it. "This has nothing to do with unicorns, Ryuzaki."

L shook his head and pointed at the screen. "Tell me, what is the scientific name for the Indian Rhinoceros?"

Light looked over the article to where L was pointing. "_Rhinoceros unicornis,_" he read. "Wait..."

L looked satisfied as he said, "Yes Light-kun. '_Unicornis_'."

Light wouldn't admit defeat that easily. "Ryuzaki, I see your logic. This animal has one horn, and is has "unicorn" in the name. But that doesn't make it a real unicorn, does it?"

L sighed. "Very well, I will find more proof. But this still counts in my favor."

_Scoring: L – 1, Light – 0._


	10. Unicorns Part II

_I don't own Death Note, unicorns, rhinoceroses or narwhals._

Unicorns Part II

"Light-kun, I have found further proof that unicorns exist!"

Light sighed. _What now?_

L was, once again, pointing at his computer screen. On it was a picture of a narwhal.

"Narwhals?" Light asked. L nodded, chewing absently on his fingernails.

"You see, narwhals are whales, with the male in possession of a horn," L explained.

"I see," said Light. "You think this is proof that unicorns exist, because of the fact that another animal can have the horn. But this isn't proof in the slightest. In fact, this leans more in _my_ favor."

L tilted his head to one side. "Please explain why."

Light smiled his arrogant smile. "You were supposed to prove that unicorns exist in this moment in time. If you were trying to show me that it is possible for a unicorn to evolve in the future, or that one could have existed in the past and passed on characteristics to narwhals, then you are suggesting that they don't exist at this point in time. You're making more of a statement that they _could_ exist."

L paused, and thought for a moment. "I see your point," he said. "But I will find more proof, and show you once and for all that unicorns exist. For I AM JUSTICE!"

"You keep telling yourself that."

_Scoring: L – 1, Light – 1._


	11. Unicorns Part III

_I don't own Death Note, unicorns, rhinoceroses, narwhals, Charlie the Unicorn or Candy Mountain._

Unicorns Part III

"Light-kun, I have found undeniable proof that unicorns exist," the world's greatest detective claimed, holding out a photograph.

Light's heart began to race. _He can't have, _Light thought as he extended a shaking hand to get the photo. _He's lying, this has to be a fake! It has to be!_

Light looked down at the picture in his hand. He sighed in relief; it was a picture of a unicorn...an _animated_ unicorn.

Light couldn't help but grin. "Ryuzaki, this is useless. This isn't a real unicorn, it's animated!"

L smirked slightly. "But so are we."

Light's eye twitched. "DAMMIT RYUZAKI!" Light exploded. "WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!"

"But we _are_. You cannot deny that we are."

"You- You-"

L remained calm as he said, "If I recall correctly, the fourth wall was broken awhile back by those M&Ms in _Abbreviations_, I believe it was called."

Light had a horrified facial expression that rivaled Mikami's in the final episode of the anime series.

L kept going. "Watari only had enough attention span to fix three of the walls, so the fourth one-"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! AND UNICORNS DON'T EXIST!" Light screamed.

L sighed. "Light-kun," he said firmly, "We live in a world where giant winged Death Gods called Shinigami follow the humans who pick up their magical deadly notebooks that they drop from another realm, and give their gift of special eyesight for the price of half your life. How is believing in unicorns illogical after hearing something like that?"

Light had no answer. L smiled.

"I win."

_Scoring: L – 2, Light – 1. L wins, unicorns exist._

A little while later, Light stood in front of the assembled Task Force, forced to carry out his end of the deal.

Light seethed with anger. This was so stupid! And yet he had to admit defeat...

Light cleared his throat. _I should just get this over with... _he reasoned. "I was-"

Suddenly, Soichiro Yagami broke through the recently-fixed first wall. "I found him!" he cried joyfully. "I found the unicorn!"

The rest of the Task Force left Light where he stood to help his father bring the unicorn through the wall. Light watched in disbelief.

The unicorn groaned. "Ugh, where am I now? A few minutes ago I was at Candy Mountain..."

L tilted his head to the side. "I would like to see this Candy Mountain. Would you be willing to come with us, Light-kun?"

Light fainted for obvious reasons.


End file.
